The petunias are going to seed and I have a cucumber!

Ach! I'm not done enjoying the petunias! Bah. I'm not sure what's going on. I saw this crispy little, brown nub on a petunia this afternoon and wondered if it was diseased. I broke the shell open thinking a bug had eaten through it but it was hollow and little black seeds fell out. Surprise, surprise! Seeds! Here's a photo of one of the seed cases. It looks remarkably like a dolphin. You can see the old, wilted petunia "cigar" still attached at the side. Maybe I have to be more diligent at picking off the old blooms.

...pondering that...
...which means I'll have to pick off at least 50 spent blooms a day from the 16 Petunias...
”Sorry, kids, can’t take you anywhere because I have to de-cigar the Petunias.” “Sorry son, your wedding can’t start until I’ve de-cigarred all the Petunias.”

Our son't wedding is three weeks away. The petunias just have to hang on! The deck roses just have to bloom more! The cucumbers just have to be put out of sight.

The cucumbers will have to be moved from their sprawling position on the picnic table on the deck. They're gangly and ugly and still struggling to survive in the little starter pots we bought them in. The roots are growing out the bottom of the pots so I put more dirt under the pots.

I don't know where I can plant them that the deer can't get them. Maybe the cucumbers can spend the weekend of the wedding on the deck stairs. Our guests aren't likely to go down the deck stairs anyway. If the cucumbers are really happy there, I'll just leave them there.

Then a wedding guest will look down the stairs and gasp "There's something growing up your steps!" "Ah, yes," I'll say. "That's the cucumber that got away from the deer. It used to grow way over there, out by the compost pile, but every night it crept closer and closer to the deck to get away from the clenching jaws of death. The petunias and roses cheered it on, 'You can make it! C'mon, you can make it!'"

The other day I was sitting on the deck talking to my mom when I interrupted my own sentence with "Oh my goodness, I've got a cucumber! I've got a cucumber!" My mom wasn't sure what I was talking about. She's heard of people having a cow, having a big head, having a baby, but not having a cucumber. Hanging from a sad vine was a 5" long cucumber. I had no idea! And there were 10 more in various stages of growth. How can this be since the cucumbers were never planted? They didn't even get full sun all day and were practically baked to death a couple times on the 99+ degree days. I can't count the number of times I resuscitated them.

The cucumbers have had such a hard life. I better find out how big a cucumber should be before you eat it. I fear a couple may have gone to seed.

Bag 'O Beetles

What happened to the gardener? Are the roses blooming? Did the patio get finished? What was the final decision on the moat?

Actually, we're still undecided about the moat. The patio is unfinished and it doesn't look like it will be finished this year. The roses bloom and then immediately get destroyed by the Japanese beetles. Overnight two beetles can ruin a rose. Totally disgusting.

Equally disgusting is my Bag O' Beetles. It's the only way I can think of to get rid of them. My expert gardener mom squishes the beetles with her bare hands! Impressive! Disgusting! Gasp! I don't think I'll ever become an expert gardener if it means you have to squish beetles with your bare hands. I can't even squish them with gloves on. I can't step on them or smash them in a bag. So I knock them off the roses into a plastic bag and leave them to their fate.

At this point, I disconnect. Don't ask me what happens to the beetles after they go in the bag. I don't know and I don't want to know. It's impossible for a gardener to connect to both plants AND bugs. Plants and bugs simply can't share space in my brain. Either I consider the roses, for which I paid hundreds in cash, time and effort, or I consider the beetles, which are so disgusting that they mate in broad daylight right on top of a rose while eating it. I've declared these gluttonous pests to be Rose Enemy #2, next to deer, so the beetles get the bag.

Cigar-Smoking Petunias

Ha, ha ha, that sounds dreadful! Actually, the title of this entry is The Life Cycle of a Petunia Bloom. The cigars don't come in till the end of the life cycle. The roses are getting eaten by disgusting Japanese Beetles and every day I go out and swat them off. So this entry is focusing on a different plant than roses until I figure out how I'm supposed to annihilate the entire Japanese Beetle population within 50 miles.

Right now, the Cascadia Petunias are blooming nicely. Note the cascade of white blossoms over the railing, like a clear waterfall rushing over green moss with white, foamy bubbles in the spray.

Ah yes, the blossoms are in their prime. It won't last though.




















First, the petunia blossom begins all crumpled up, like a piece of pleated and crushed silk.












The blossom lengthens and the end thins out and whitens.














The end starts to open up.
And then...


























Ah yes, they have reached their full glory!

Which lasts approximately one day and then come Petunia Decline.
Which isn't nearly as pretty.









But first, check out the center of these pretties.


My, what green lips you have, Miss Petunia! The green pistil in the center of this flower reminds me of the big-lipped, singing creature in Star Wars, Sy Snootles. If only a Petunia could sing...



Remember Banana Flips from the 70's, a soft, round, cake-texture cookie folded in half around a fluffy cream filling? The stamens of the petunias look just like Banana Flips! The stamens pop open and flip inside out so the pollen filling is on the outside. Yum. This photo was taken before the flip.



After peak performance comes Petunia Decline. It's not so bad. Instead of nice, white bubbles with clear water, the cascading blossom looks rather like muddy water.



It gets worse.


The blossom shrivels further and looks very sickly.

But the worst stage is the last...



Right before The End, the petunia smokes a cigar. Ghastly!

Now why would such a pretty gal sully her looks by smoking a cigar?
Yesterday I spent over an hour pulling cigars away from the petunias. tsk, tsk.








I read somewhere that if the spent blooms are removed, the plant will produce more flowers. I can't imagine doing this job daily but it was very satisfying thinking my chore might create more flowers. Actually, from across the deck, you can't even see the cigars anyway.



Behind the spent bloom is the beginning of the next bloom. It looks like a little green nub.









The nub gets longer and the cycle starts all over again. Daily.





















When they're not smoking cigars, the Life Cycle of a Petunia is a gorgeous, constant foamy waterfall.

Lots of action on the castle grounds

A princess is allowed to do nothing on her balcony, especially if a prince isn't likely to appear.

All it takes is a little attention to detail to see things that otherwise get missed. Princesses are notorious for missing details because they're much too preoccupied with themselves.

Today, while doing nothing on my balcony, knowing a prince wasn't likely to appear, and disgustingly preoccupied with myself, I had a little thought. It was Look! It was such a tiny thought that I almost didn't think it.

Look!

So I did.




And the first thing I saw was a castle guard on the lavender. He was shorter than most, only about 1" long. But he had made it this far so I knew he'd grow big and strong.










Which is good because there was a thief in the castle!!! Ugh!!! The thief had already stripped dozens of leaves from Fair Bianca and was in the process of taking more. We quickly pulled him off the rose and gave him a grisly end.













It's a good thing we got rid of the thief because the queen had left bowls of emeralds all around one of her lavender plants. That was a totally irresponsible thing for her to do. tsk tsk. The glittering emeralds surely looked tempting to a thief.



The glitter no doubt attracted all manner of folk to the castle. Such as the masses of maidens and noble ladies.

















They flocked through the halls, giggling and whispering, shocked and intrigued at the queens lavish display of her wealth.








Meanwhile, a small troupe of jesters and acrobats carried on across the courtyard. The maidens giggled at the jesters' antics as they juggled their sunny yellow clubs.






















It was the job of the acrobats to entertain the queen. But the queen was much too hot and bored to appreciate their riotous tumbling.













I looked over at the queen. She was so hot that she didn't even bother to arrange her robes neatly. Rather, she semi-reclined in her throne, her skirts all in disarray.














A peasant looked on from afar, wondering if he should hold his petition for another day. With all the heat, the cucumbers were failing and the queen simply had to do something about it.











The peasant waited until one of the queen's advisors appeared. Alas, his pinched scowl didn't make him appear approachable on this hot day. The peasant sighed.






The best action was taking place near the railing. I noticed a young princess leaning against the terra cotta wall demurely covering her face with her fan. No doubt a suitor must be near.













Ah yes, a noble prince stood handsomely across the castle grounds, watching her intently.









And that's what I saw when I looked.