The Art of Lawn Mowing

I've finally figured out the Art of Lawn Mowing. It goes like this...

First you buy an expensive mower. I'm not sure why.
The ads all say "Do you want to be the envy of your neighbors? Just buy this nifty model..." I doubt my neighbors will ever be impressed with my expensive mower. My neighbors all have nifty mowers worth more than my car.

After you get the expensive mower, you're supposed to impress your neighbors with your neat and tidy rows of mowing. I saw that in a picture once. It said your mowing rows should look like this:

l l l l l l l l l l
l l l l l l l l l l
l l l l l l l l l l
l l l l l l l l l l

So of course I tried it. I mowed like this:

l l l l l l l l l l
l l l l l ... and then there was a stick. So I kicked it out of the way while my mower kept moving and went around like this: C

I continued going l l l l l and then there was a rock. So I threw it out of the way while my mower churned up dirt and went around like this: C

My expensive mower has one of those power drives so I have to keep it slow enough for me to walk, not run behind. If you're going even a teensy bit too fast, when you go around even a little obstacle, the centrifugal force is frightening. This afternoon, while mowing around little obstacles, I almost got thrown off my mower a couple times. And it's not even a riding mower!

Most of those little obstacles were rare, young flowers so I mowed around them like this

l l l l l lOl l l
l l l l Ol l l l l
OOl l l l l l l
l l l l l l O l l

They were rare until I discovered a huge rangey mass of them by the edge of the woods. Which made it obvious they were neither flowers nor rare. So all my carefully mowed-around O's had to go.

I think this is where the neighbors are supposed to be impressed. First, it takes great skill to mow like this:

l l l l l l l l l
l l l l l l l l l
l l l l l l l l l
l l l l l l l l l

It takes even more skill to mow like this:

l l l l C l l l l
l lOl l l l C l
l C l O l C l
COOCOOC

(That last row is where there are lots of sticks and rocks and faux rare flowers to mow around.)

The final step in the Art of Lawn Mowing takes the touch of a real artist's hand. Carefully preserving rare flowers that are actually weeds means executing the final mowing technique. If your neighbors weren't impressed before, they will be now as they watch sublime mowing like this:

888888888
\9\C888/88
////888888
889999/C/O
8989898989

It usually takes the mower on the Rose Support Team one fill-up of gas to mow the entire backyard. This afternoon, I mowed half the backyard. And then the gas tank ran out. Which means I must be really impressing my neighbors with my artistic mowing technique and I'd say I've mastered the Art of Lawn Mowing.